Jerry Angelo: Open Letter to Chicago Bears Fans
Published by Daylon Morrison on May 24, 2009
Article Source: Bleacher Report - Chicago Bears
Bear Fans,
For the last eight years, my evil twin Angelo Jerry has been posing as me and making terrible personnel decisions for the Chicago Bears.
He gave a docile ponce (Lovie Smith) complete control over the coaching staff, annually slept through free agency, got completely loaded before each draft and made a game of reaching for players, and frequently signed old, used-up veterans with very little left in the tank.
Well, I have escaped from his basement and vanquished Angelo Jerry, and now I, Jerry Angelo, a competent GM, have traded for Jay Cutler, bolstered our offensive line with the likes of Orlando Pace, Kevin Shaffer, and Frank Omiyale, and have drafted based on need.
Let this be the beginning of true prosperity for the Chicago Bears. We will win with a potent offensive attack and, now that Bob Babich has been vanquished back to position coach, a solid defense, as well as with smart, well-executed special teams play.
I will no longer tolerate incompetence. If we fail to make the playoffs this season, I will actually fire Lovie Smith and hire a coach with the capacity for human emotion and the ability to form facial expressions.
Ron Turner and Bob Babich will be chained up outside of Soldier Field in the dead of winter and will have rotten fruit thrown at them by fans, so that they may feel a fraction of what the fans felt when they had to watch their abysmal play-calling for years.
Too many times have I heard you scream at your television sets “Why the f**k are you running it on third and 12?!” and, “we still run the Tampa-2?! College QB’s can beat the Tampa-2! This is insane!”
Well, no more.
And so, Bear fans, my sincerest apologies for the actions of my evil brother. I will spend the next several seasons seeking to make all of Angelo Jerry’s wrongs right and will give the second largest market in the nation the winning team it so rightfully deserves.
Sincerely,
The Real Jerry Angelo
P.S. My only vice is my burning hatred for free safeties, so I will never draft/sign a legitimate free safety. Sorry.
