The NFL’s Worst Teams: The Sad Sack 7, Halloween Edition
Published by Dan Boone on October 26, 2010
Article Source: Bleacher Report - Chicago Bears
In Invasion of the Body Snatchers, vicious wee pods rain onto Earth and seize the souls and minds of doomed earthlings.
The pods eat individuality and crush creativity.
The pods leave like RP McMurphy after Nurse Ratched and the gang lobotomized his rebel brain.
The earthlings turn into brain dead dullards whose main goal is maintain the party line and produce more pods, more pods, more pods.
Some find work in the NFL office.
Occasionally, an irate pod can point and screech. But, its attempts are useless: it makes the same screechy sound over and over again, droning on about the same thing endlessly.
Which brings us, dear readers, to Cris Collinsworth’s discussion on some very horrid play from his idol Brett Favre.
Sunday night Favre fired passes high, low and into the arms of his old Green Bay Packer teammates.
Still, no matter how poor the passer played, Collinsworth had one pod thought on his brain:
It’s not Favre’s fault.
It’s not Favre’s fault.
It’s not Favre’s fault.
The receiver ran too fast for Favre or ran too slow for Favre.
The receiver ran the wrong route or did not adjust the right route to help his sainted signal caller.
The line did not block, the runners did not run and the receivers have to help the old man out on but continuously do not.
The coach has to help his quarterback.
On and on, Collinsworth droned out the same sad siren song:
Woe is Favre. Brett Favre can do no wrong.
Brett could throw a pass straight up in the air, pull a hand gun and knee cap his wide receiver before the ball came down before Collinsworth would consider that maybe Favre is in the wrong.
The other Talking Pod Head, Al Michaels, could only agree and offer glowing grunts of glory every time Favre held a suddenly re-injured body part after each bad play.
The Favre Pods have seized every booth across the land.
The talk is always the same: the heroic old gunfighter, despite constant turnovers and clock mismanagement, can do no wrong.
1] The Buffalo Bills [0-6]
In Poe’s Pit and the Pendulum a poor doomed man is tormented by the Spanish Inquisition.
Various tortures lurk and loom: ravished rats, red hot closing walls, a razor sharp descending, pendulum and madness of the mind.
Over all it’s a bit like being a Buffalo Bill fan.
1a] San Francisco 49ers [1-6]
Motivational Speaker Mike Singletary seems like a star of a bad comic horror movie called The 49ers.
Singletary seems to be a combination of Ed Woods muscle man Tors Johnson and True Blood’s Sookie Stackhouse’s slow-witted brother Jason.
The 49ers miss the old mad scientist Bill Walsh.
2] Dallas Cowboys [1-5]
Jerry Jones has assembled a house of horrors.
And either it was very hot in his luxury box or Jerry looked like he was melting like a monster from House of Wax while watching his team self-destruct.
How can a defense make all that money and be that bad?
The Cowboys have been an Ed Wood type of movie, a Plan Nine From Outer Space from Outer Space, since Jerry and son began to run the show solo.
Jerry needs someone like the motel night manager in Touch of Evil to restore some sanity to the Cowboys.
Either hire the night manager or the redneck vampires from Near Dark to clean house.
3] Chicago Bears [4-3 and falling to 5-11]
The Bears vs. Washington Redskin matchup was a real horror show between a pair of ugly offenses and truly monstrous quarterbacks.
And Mike Martz’s play calling seems something an angry alien would invent to afflict hated earthlings.
Or maybe Mike Martz has been possessed with a Viking-loving Alien who is calling the plays in his head.
But John Carpenter’s The Fog best describes a bad Bear organization that operates without rhyme, restraint nor reason.
The fog could also be used to describe how Lovie Smith views replays and game day decisions.
The Bears need a Mars Attacks like clean up of their bad ball club.
4] Detroit Lions [1-5]
Thirty Days of Night is about a pack of vampires terrorizing an Alaskan town stuck in a cycle of night.
Those blood suckers would love the fifty years of darkness that has descended on Detroit.
5] San Diego Chargers [ 2-4]
Norv Turner always looks like he knows something is going to go horribly, terribly, dreadfully wrong in each and every big game he stumbles into.
Turner has the aura of a doomed B-actor in a bad fifties science-fiction flick.
The doomed guy you know is going to die horribly at the hands, paws, feet, fangs or death ray of the evil aliens that have just landed to enslave the earth.
That destined to die B-actor that always had a last look of horror, and the time for a final dire scream, right before his doomed descended.
Norv has that same look in the fourth quarter of every game.
6] Cincinnati Bengals [2-4]
The Bengals are a haunted house of a ball club, and the ghouls haunting them are called Cleveland Browns.
Bengal fans better call Beetlejuice or Ghostbusters, because the Bugles are not winning until someone drives those Brown ghosts out of town.
Even Hitchcock would find the Bengals horrifying.
7] [Tie]
Jacksonville Jaguars [3-4]
Horror creatures, like NFL coaches, come only in a few characters.
There is the supernatural vampire, say a Belichick-like beast, sometimes with an Igor or Rensfeld like assistant or two, say a Mangini, Weis, McDaniels or a Crennell, lurking about mumbling master.
Al Davis in a silver and black cape is a dead ringer for Nosferatu, only not as sweet.
There is the shape-shifter.
The Werewolf or the Jekyll and Hyde madman with double personalities.
Not many of these stalk the NFL sidelines anymore, but a mad relic with the moniker Ditka lingers on pregame shows.
Ditka, called Sybil by his players, could go Mister Hyde in a moment.
Some be sea monsters, or look like sea beasts; see Reid, Holmgren, Tuna and their walrus mustached ilk.
Sea creatures coaches have also been fan favorites.
Then, there is the stoic, silent, staid zombies.
Designed by Dungy, the Coach bots do not speak save for boring bytes.
But beware, they have bred.
Look at Lovie Smith, or some other wanna be Tom Landry-like silent creature, solemnly crawling the sidelines.
And then there are the monsters like Frankenstein or the Frost Giants of yore.
Not the brightest of beasts and, sometimes steeped in strange rages, these monsters lumber along the sideline angrily looking lost as their teams tumble.
It seems the Jaguars have combined a dull monster like coach with a club of zombies.
No wander the Jags are a hard sell.
Zombies are not known for game plans, discipline, nor organization.
Minnesota Vikings [2-4]
Brad Childress looks eerily like Kane Hodder, who has made a career of playing serial killers like Ed Gein and the BTK Killer along with a werewolf, an undead cowboy, a homeless demon and a hatchet-wielding madman.
The star of the Minnesota horror show, however, is Brett Favre.
Favre has become the lead in the revival old Saturday Night Live skit The Thing the Wouldn’t Leave.
Though a creepy Favre/Grandpa Munster Halloween costume, complete with cape, open wranglers, cell camera phone and lecherous grin would be a hit from Green Bay to Gotham.
And Favre might make Chilly grab a sharp hatchet before the season is over.
Denver Broncos [2-5]
The real Rocky Horror Picture Show is these Denver Broncos.
A morbid mess in the mountains, Denver is doomed to run endlessly and badly like Saw 45, until someone fires the director.
Being a Bronco fan is like being trapped alone in a isolated mountain blizzard with ghosts murmuring Redrum! and an insane Jack Nicholson ambling about with an ax.
Cleveland Browns [2-5]
So they beat the Saints, even Igor finds a acorn once in awhile.
Terrible Matchup of the Week
Pick your poison Doctor Jekyll, but please pay for your PSL first.
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Dallas Cowboys
Denver Broncos @ San Francisco 49ers
Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals
Chicago Bears @ Bye
Bad Fifties Science Fiction Film Sequel of the Week or The Watchers!
Roger Goodell and his gang of merry men have begun to babble and act like they are not only the stars of the Sunday’s games, but also the stars of some silly science-fiction show.
NFL bureaucrats drone on about “checking the control room” before they decide to drop fines on players that annoy them.
Must Mike Pereira, the NFL puppet, appear like the invading alien’s ambassador In The Day The Earth Stood Still and condone every call every official makes?
Incompetent rule making bureaucrats in back rooms babble daily of completing the process and still made a confused muck of a play in Miami.
Must every play be reviewed on the field?
Is a simpler game better than a game over regulated by bureaucrats in booths in Gotham?
Must Big Brother Goodell and his minions review every single play, in every single game, every single week to make a royal decision?
What does the NFL pay the control room boys and how do you get that gravy job?
Does Roger and the Control Room boys know more about the field action than the players?
And if Goodell, in his role as All Wise Ming the Merciless, wants a safer game, why push for an 18-game season and the resistance to full-time officials?
Terrible Import of the Week
America sends the 49ers and Broncos to London and soon the Bears and Bills to Canada, but wonders wonders why the world often considers the United States obnoxious and ill-mannered?
Does the league office think sending those horrible imports will encourage those unlucky nations to purchase expansion ball clubs?
The British and Canadians are more likely to declare the War of 2012, the long awaited sequel to the War of 1812, and try to burn Washington again.
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