Come to Think of it: NFL To Put Jay Cutler on Payroll of Every Team (Satire)
Published by Bob Warja on November 29, 2009
Article Source: Bleacher Report - Chicago Bears
In a move sure to spark significant controversy around the league, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that Bears QB Jay Cutler‘s salary will be equally distributed to all of its teams, effective immediately.
Said Goodell of the surprising move, “Look, Cutler does his damnest to throw the ball to each team he plays, which helps them win, right? Well, then it’s only fair that the money the Bears are paying him gets shared by the entire league.”
“With the length and amount of that contract he’s signed to, the Bears can’t pull him, so eventually Cutler will play against most of the teams in the NFL before his career is over, and I just think his expected contribution to those teams should be recognized.”
The Bears were not immediately available for comment, with Lovie Smith saying only that he couldn’t personally vouch for the fact that Cutler plays for the Bears.
“Jay Cutler? Yes, I’ve heard the name. But I’m not going to get into questions about whether he plays football, and if so, if it’s for us or what have you. I just know that we still have a chance to reach our goal, and we’ll go from there.”
Cutler, who was acquired in a trade with the Denver Broncos prior to the season, leads the NFL in interceptions, with 20. He threw two more in a 36-10 loss to the Vikings on Sunday.
Meanwhile, as to the rumor that the Bears have contacted the Guinness World Book of Records people, a team spokesman said, “I won’t confirm or deny that, but do I believe any publicity is good publicity? Yes I do. This whole interception thing has been spun in a such a negative light, and I just feel it’s high time that Jay gets recognized for the truly historic event we are witnessing.”
Cutler’s problems have even carried over to his personal life. His attempt to pass the potatoes during Thanksgiving dinner resulted in a mess on the floor.
As for the weak offensive line, lack of running game and poor receivers, Cutler said none of that matters.
“I am The Saviour, and my mere presence should elevate these mortals into super human status.”
No word on whether GM Jerry Angelo has returned from Barbados, come to think of it.
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